Almost three years ago to the day, I experienced a kundalini activation: a powerful awakening event that made me question what was real; what was not; and what was the true meaning of it all.

It followed a highly traumatic event that triggered my core and jolted me awake, and what’s unfolded has been quite the journey.

I think it’s easy to forget that awakening is not enlightenment.

It’s simply a shaking wake-up call that says “HELLO, YOU ARE IN A DREAM! FIGURE IT OUT FROM HERE!” but doesn’t let you transcend that reality.

It’s kind of like waking up in the middle of the wilderness with no recollection of how you got there—without tools, knowledge, or resources—and realizing you have no choice but to figure out how survive.

It’s an initiation.

At first, we feel alone. We feel sad; isolated; crazy; helpless.

But there are helpers everywhere—seen and unseen—who help guide us along the way.

A small sign here. A nudge there.

Much medicine is to be found simply by tuning in.

But we often ignore this help at first, dismissing these events as interference or coincidence—and then sit and wonder why we’re stuck.

Our first challenge is to learn to notice these small gestures as communication from Spirit, and developing discernment takes time.

And even we see them, we’re faced with an even bigger battle: learning to trust them AND ourselves.

Western medicine and modern science are highly dismissive of the spiritual experiences that have occurred for millennia—and we’ve been conditioned into blindly trusting these powers that be beyond all else.

“SHOW ME THE DATA.”

This is part of what the Toltec tradition calls “domestication”—a process of unlearning the truth of who and what we really to maintain the status quo.

And unlearning is SO deeply, brutally painful that so many of us shut down and chose not to.

So we numb. Escape. Ignore. Forget.

No judgment. I’m guilty of this too. Too guilty.

When we act this way—defiantly ignoring the signs even after we see them—subtly goes out the window.

Spirit will act in bigger and more destructive ways to get our attention, and no measure is too extreme.

This is not out of hatred. It’s out of love and desperation.

I’ve learned this. I know this. And still, I ignore.

Over the last two years in particular, Spirit has slowly been removing my Emergency Exits to the point where I’ve have no where to run.

There has been no escape.

Enclosed in a chamber of my own creation, I’ve had no choice but to sit quietly and watch everything burn all around me until nothing but ashes remain.

Through this purification process, hope is found. Healing is possible. And helpers are seen.

Death & rebirth.

I wish this on no one, but hope it for everyone.

On the kundalini journey, I’ve been stuck at my 6th chakra for quite some time. A blockage I’ve intentionally chosen not to work through, because, well… it’s scary as shit.

Blocked energy between my eyes and my head. Seizures.

There’s Western Medical debate among my doctors as to their origin. Is it electrical misfiring from my Temporal Lobe? Or simply excess stress creating a physiological response?

Of course, MODERN MEDICINE will tell us! Let’s do a test!

I should find it as no surprise that the moment I was hooked up to an EEG, all of my seizures ceased to occur.

I did as the doctors asked: I tried to create stress to provoke one. I skipped sleep. I worked for hours on end. I literally didn’t move.

But no seizures occurred.

In fact, the literal opposite effect seemed to happen. The longer I sat hidden away from the world, the better I felt. The stronger I was. The clearer my mind became.

Of course. A Vata imbalance eased by Kapha treatment.

A rebalancing of the elements and a recalibration of my system.

Intrigued by my own not-so-scientific observations, I began experimenting with deep breathing and mindfulness. I took note of the effects of my brainwave activity when I simply stopped spiraling and just let my brain sit still.

My God. The difference!

After four days, I was discharged with no more diagnostic answers than I had going in.

“THIS MEDICAL TEST WAS INCONCLUSIVE,” the doctors said.

But it wasn’t for Spirit.

In fact, this spiritual test was very successful, I’d say, as I’ve finally recognized just how detrimental it has been to my core to continue fighting an uphill battle—against myself—instead of just leaning into my path.

I find this serendipitous, as Neptune/Jupiter are perfectly conjunct my North Node in Pisces—which is square Chiron, the wounded healer.

I am not crazy.

But I am deeply and profoundly spiritually inclined—and I actually have no choice but to fully accept the calling and embrace this.

I left the hospital with tremendous love in my heart, grateful to be rising up from the ashes.

Where to go from here?

I don’t know, not for sure.

But I do know that with this renewed level of faith in my helpers, bluer skies, greener grass, and brighter days lie ahead.

A lesson learned by unlearning.

Thankful for it all.

~cog, 4.11.22