I grew up in a trailer park.

Like many who went without a lot, my idea “making it” has long been defined by obtaining the kinds of things I didn’t have growing up:

Granite countertops. A luxury living space. Brand-name clothes. 

I understood that in order to reach those mile markers for success, I’d have to work extra hard—things wouldn’t be handed to me. Unfortunately, that was easier said than done. Our home was small, and our only desk was in the common area. That meant that when the TV was on (usually) or someone else needed the computer (often), I was SOL when it came to doing my work. I was just too distracted by the noise.

So, at the age of 12, I began burning the midnight oil.

When my grandma turned off the TV and went to bed—which meant quiet time—I’d set up and begin my work. I’d guzzle coffee and obsess over details until 2 or 3AM, when I’d return to my closet-sized bedroom and collapse from exhaustion. I was up again at 7. Rinse and repeat. 

This was easy enough when I was young. But as I got older and my workload increased, I couldn’t keep up. My grades started slipping. So did my spirits.

I felt hopeless and depressed by not living up to the standards of others—until I began channeling my energy through writing. I immediately felt better. I didn’t need quiet to “focus”—it just happened. Like magic. My soul lit up when I escaped through words. I felt alive; with purpose. It was my saving grace though dark times.

So, I skipped class and wrote during the day. I chipped away at personal projects at night. I put the “important” work on hold to pursue my craft—and keep my mental health in check. And I’ve kept this up for 20 years.

No matter which conventional path I try, I’m lured off-course by my intuition urging me to write instead.But I always listen to my ego.

“What about those granite countertops, hmm?” 

But ignoring my intuition while pursuing the wrong things has taken a HUGE emotional, physical, and spiritual toll on me. I’m battered as hell, and there’s only one way out of this hole.

In 2019, I’ll be following my Dharma—to write.Follow me on Instagram at @coganddog to read more of my musings on work + health + spirituality ♥️